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The 6 stages of 'man flu' that every woman dreads

It's the news women dreaded: apparently there is a scientific basis for man flu - E+
It's the news women dreaded: apparently there is a scientific basis for man flu - E+

What do you call a common cold when it strikes down a man in his prime? Man flu, of course - a predicament suffered at some point each year by 99.7 per cent of the adult male population.

To be clear, that statistic is a rough estimate (by me) and lacks any scientific basis. But there does exist, apparently, a scientific basis for man flu itself.

In a (slightly tongue-in-cheek) article published in the British Medical Journal, a doctor has suggested not only that the terrible symptoms are real, but has also had a stab at an evolutionary explanation for your man's inability to get out of bed when he feels a small sniffle about to hit.

“I do think that the research does point towards men having a weaker immune response when it comes to common viral respiratory infections and the flu,” writes Dr Kyle Sue, a clinical assistant professor in family medicine at the Memorial University of Newfoundland.

“This is shown in the fact that they [have] worse symptoms, they last longer, they are more likely to be hospitalised and more likely to die from it.”

That sniffle in the nose? It requires bed rest for the man flu sufferer - Credit:  Martin Keene/PA
That sniffle in the nose? It requires bed rest for the man flu sufferer Credit: Martin Keene/PA

Why so? Possibly, he suggests, because higher testosterone levels could prove advantageous to men when competing against other males, outweighing the potentially negative impact on the immune system. Or perhaps such afflictions kept our male ancestors at home, and less likely to be mauled by predators.

Now listen, few of us would wish the men in our lives to be mauled by a predator, even if they’ve moaned at length about the life-threatening tickle in their throat.

But many women will be rolling their eyes at the latest scientific claim that men were essentially right all along. Because, you understand, we’ve seen enough bouts of man flu to have grown suspicious. They follow a particular pattern, and the stages of the disease are thus:

1. The warning signs

The house is a mess. The dog needs a walk and a wash. The children are fighting, and also need a wash. The dinner needs cooking and the bin is overflowing.

Your typical man flu sufferer would dearly love to get stuck in with all of the above, but he senses a tingle in his nostril that can only mean one thing: he’d better lie down and take some rest, so that he can repair himself sufficiently to help out later on.

"What, precisely, is wrong?" you demand - Credit: MBI / Alamy
"What, precisely, is wrong?" you demand Credit: MBI / Alamy

2. The rapid deterioration

He has not yet recovered and the symptoms are starting to spread. Is that a rash? Should he call the NHS helpline? You tell him, crisply, that that won’t be necessary and inquire politely just how long he intends to be ill exactly.

3. Tea and sympathy

The answer becomes clear over the next two hours: he intends to be ill for as long as he can be.

“What, precisely, is wrong?” you demand with as much sympathy as you can muster (which is, in the event, almost none at all). It’s his throat, he gestures vaguely. And his head. And perhaps a little bit in his chest. Just feel how swollen his glands are.

“There’s something going round at work,” he suggests. “A cup of tea would be great if you’re putting the kettle on.” “Sure,” you reply. “Right after I’ve roasted a chicken, dusted and vacuumed the hallway.”

'Starve a fever, feed a cold,' the man flu sufferer smiles weakly after devouring two plates of roast chicken - Credit:  Getty Images
'Starve a fever, feed a cold,' the man flu sufferer smiles weakly after devouring two plates of roast chicken Credit: Getty Images

4. The false dawn

He rallies a bit around dinner time. Not enough to leave his bed, mind, but enough to consume two portions of food. “Starve a fever, feed a cold,” he smiles weakly, and with great fortitude, as he hands you back his empty plate.

He wants to show you he’s determined to soldier on with good humour at the bleakest of times. You refrain from smashing the empty plate against the door frame.

5.  Transition from bed to sofa

Once dinner’s been cleared up and the kids are asleep, he manages to leave his sickbed and hobble to the sofa. “Feeling better?” you inquire through gritted teeth.

“Still a bit ropy,” he says, with the same weak smile. “Better take it easy for a bit longer.” (As opposed to what, you wonder?)

6. The sudden and dramatic recovery

Two days later, he is offered a ticket to the football. “What a shame,” you say brightly. “You’re far too ill to go and sit in the cold for two hours.”

“Actually,” he says, “I’m OK now. I think I've finally shaken this off.”