Early morning is a remarkably fertile time, don’t you find? A fertile time for doing many, many things not very well, and entirely failing to set yourself up for the day in any way. Here are some things everyone has probably done before 8am. Possibly all at once.
1. Ordered the groceries online – yes, I am dynamic. I am invisible. Sorry, invincible.
2. Put a white wash on. Then cancelled it because you left a trail of socks on the stairs. Put it on again. Found a T-shirt in the corridor. Howled.
3. Wondered if it was OK to have a fourth coffee.
4. Wrote a list for the shrink: boundaries, bad back, dead dad.
5. Drank Berocca. Can’t afford to be ill.
6. Took womany vitamins. Can’t afford to be womany.
7. Googled ‘house prices’. Got distracted by sex scandal. Texted friend about sex scandal. 8. Decided to get new haircut. 9. Changed mind about haircut.
10. Fifth coffee?
11. Dry shampoo. Head (and most of forehead) now completely white.
12. Cried a little.
13. Wondered about Ritalin. Could maybe find a teenager to nick it off?
14. Sat on bed in towel and stared at wall for 10 minutes.
15. Turned on Radio 4. Listened to Today for three minutes. Now fully informed and armed for conversation.
16. Sucked on a Vape till ears bled.
17. Panicked about the fact that everything hurts a bit and worried that maybe you are getting depressed. (Added that to shrink list.)
18. Liked every post on Instagram so that no one would know you might be depressed.
19. Went into bathroom and stared at the changing face of you for what felt like a long, long time.
20. Discussed how much sleep you got with your best friend/work wife/the dog/stranger on the train/the Starbucks person. (You: ‘Think it’s only the fifth coffee. I’m fine, everything is fine.’)
21. Thought about checking bank balance. Too early for depressing news, though.
22. Tried to find the paper bit of driver’s licence.
23. Emailed accountant about tax return.
24. Googled, ‘What is a pension?’
25. Debated whether or not to cancel plans tonight. Desperate to. Whose turn is it to cancel? Yours or theirs?
26. Stared at phone for a bit.
27. Set up a WhatsApp family Christmas group.
28. Regretted instantly.
29. Shaved legs sitting in the bath while listening to five minutes of a podcast about American politics. Am so highbrow.
30. Stubbed toe on door frame.
31. Called door frame a bastard.
32. Took ibuprofen for toe/back/period/head/knee/soul pain.
33. Googled natural anti-anxiety supplements.
34. Took vitamin B for… What’s vitamin B for again?
35. Took mind off anxiety by spending five minutes on Lakeland website salivating over hangers with clips on.
36. Made plan to upgrade hangers. Will def do that. Am so going to do that.
37. Stared at wardrobe hoping for something stylish and flattering to leap out. Only stopped when phone rang.
38. Searched for phone. Where the hell is my…
39. Found phone. Answered breathlessly. PPI call.
40. Threw phone.
41. Tried to locate nearest Post Office, for all the old clothes you are going to sell for huge amounts of money.
42. Cancelled plans.
43. Felt cold.
44. Wondered about whether or not to buy a new dressing gown.
45. Checked bank balance.
46. Decided against dressing gown.