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35 signs you’re in a toxic relationship – and what to do about it

Photo credit: irinamunteanu
Photo credit: irinamunteanu

From Netdoctor

Every relationship has its ups and downs, but if you consistently feel drained or unhappy after interacting with your partner, these could be signs of a toxic relationship.

While some aspects of toxic relationships are obvious – emotional unavailability, for example – others, like consistent flakiness, are sometimes harder to pick up on.

We asked Neil Wilkie, founder of online couple’s therapy platform The Relationship Paradigm, and David Brudö, co-founder of mental wellbeing and self-development platform Remente, to talk us through the signs of a toxic relationship, how to identify one, and how to get out of it:

What is a toxic relationship?

There isn’t always a clear difference between abusive and toxic relationships. However, not all toxic behaviour is abusive. Abusive relationships – whether emotionally, physically, financially or sexually abusive – focus on control and manipulation of the other person.

A toxic relationship, on the other hand, is characterised by a lack of support, understanding or empathy, either from one party or both. It may involve disproportionate emotional responses to actions or situations. ‘There can also be competitiveness, undermining and disrespect,’ says Wilkie.

Both toxic and abusive relationships can cause serious, lasting harm.

Sometimes, there’s an overlap between behaviour that could be considered both toxic and abusive. Say, for example, your partner punches a wall because you asked them why they forgot to take the bins out. Their reaction is toxic (because it’s disproportionate to the situation) and, because it is threatening and causes harm, it is also abusive.

If you are experiencing emotional or physical abuse, or are concerned about someone who is, you can speak to someone at SafeLives or call the 24-hour Domestic Abuse helpline on 0808 2000 247.



What causes a toxic relationship?

There are several factors that can contribute to a toxic relationship. Sometimes, one partner is naturally narcissistic, says Wilkie. For the other person in the relationship, a strong attraction may blind them to the negativity, or they may otherwise feel drawn to being a victim due to previous trauma.

‘Toxic relationships can also develop from a once good relationship that has been damaged by outside events such as loss of work, money or children,’ he continues. ‘Addiction by one partner to alcohol, drugs, gambling or porn can also create a schism, as may an affair.’

A healthy relationship requires time and energy. ‘It should leave you feeling – among other things – secure, energised, happy, and respected, while toxic relationships tend to have the exact opposite effect, causing stress, anxiety, and in some cases, depression,’ says Brudö.

Photo credit: Rawpixel - Getty Images
Photo credit: Rawpixel - Getty Images

Signs of a toxic relationship

What constitutes a toxic relationship can differ from person to person, says Brudö. ‘For some, the toxicity can come from a lack of understanding or miscommunication,’ he says. ‘For others, it can stem from a lack of common interests. As such, the consequences of toxic relationships on our mental health and wellbeing will differ.’

Here are some of the signs of a toxic relationship:

  1. Spending time with your partner makes you feel stressed and irritable.

  2. Your partner always criticises you or offers unsolicited suggestions for what you need to improve.

  3. They don’t show support for your interests or hobbies.

  4. They make comments that make you feel bad about yourself or doubt your own judgment.

  5. They refuse to take responsibility for their actions and blame you when they hurt your feelings.

  6. Your partner shuts down when you try to discuss something important with them.

  7. When you think about the future, you feel dread.

  8. You consistently don’t know where you stand with your partner.

  9. You don’t trust your partner.

  10. Your family and friends have expressed concerns about the relationship.

  11. You feel down when you spend time with them.

  12. You don’t feel like act like your ‘true’ self around them.

  13. You’re constantly drained and feel low in energy.

  14. They constantly forget – or don’t pay interest in – the important things in your life.

  15. They make you feel bad or guilty for your achievements.

  16. They hold onto grudges and bring up old arguments.

  17. They are flaky, consistently late, or make promises they don’t keep.

  18. You’re waiting for them to change, or for the relationship to ‘go back to how it was’.

  19. You’ve withdrawn from seeing friends and enjoying your own hobbies.

  20. They don’t bring out the best in you (e.g. they make you feel paranoid, insecure or lacking in confidence).

  21. You voluntarily drop all your personal activities to fit into their schedule.

  22. You have arguments that go around in circles with no resolution.

  23. You’ve lost your sense of self-awareness.

  24. You feel like you make all the effort in your relationship.

  25. Your partner always blames someone else for their problems.

  26. There’s a lack of communication and lots of uncomfortable silences.

  27. They like to play games, blowing hot one minute and cold the next.

  28. They undermine your feelings (in public or privately).

  29. They ignore your needs to prioritise their own.

  30. You make excuses for their bad behaviour and try to rationalise their actions.

  31. There’s a lack of connection – you have drifted apart or live parallel lives.

  32. The physical side of the relationship is infrequent or unsatisfactory.

  33. You have come to resent your partner, or perceive the things they do wrong as outweighing anything they do right.

  34. There are times when you don’t know where they are.

  35. You feel held back, or trapped, in the relationship.

The impact of a toxic relationship on our physical and mental health can be significant and negative, says Wilkie. ‘Research shows that the physical effects include poor sleep, a higher risk of heart problems, high blood sugar levels, high blood pressure, obesity, weakened immune system and organ damage,’ he says.

‘The impact on mental health is more insidious and can create insecurity, poor self-image, unhappiness, depression, reduced energy and mental fatigue. A lot of these are because the stress puts us into fight-or-flight mode, and the body is being flooded by the stress hormones of adrenaline and cortisol.’



Am I in a toxic relationship?

By considering the following, Brudö says, it could help you to identify if you are in a toxic relationship:

  • Does this person criticise you, create constant drama, or interrupt you, even if it is clear that you need a moment to speak?

  • Do you find yourself feeling calmer when you are away from this person than when you are together?

  • Do you spot signs of a lack of trust, such as envy, anger or a hostile atmosphere?

If you are still not sure, it is always a good idea to speak to someone you trust about the issues you may be facing, Brudö continues. ‘By talking about it in a safe environment, it can help you gain clarity and a deeper understanding of the issue at hand,’ he says.

And if you are? You need to re-evaluate whether the relationship is right for you. ‘Your mental and physical health and wellbeing need to come first – so if your partner causes you stress and anxiety, or lowers your self-esteem, then the next step may be to simply move on,’ Brudö says.



How to fix a toxic relationship

Only if both parties want it to change, are able to take responsibility for their part, and are capable of creating a new and better relationship, says Wilkie. ‘Communication is the key to dealing with toxicity,’ he says. ‘This starts with an open and honest conversation where you can both share how you are feeling about the relationship.’

To calibrate your feelings, try this simple exercise. Rate each of the following elements of your relationship from 1 to 10, and have your partner do the same:

  • communication

  • connection

  • commitment

  • fun

  • growth

  • trust

‘Share your scores and talk through the similarities and differences,’ says Wilkie. ‘Talk about your feelings, and remove blame by saying ‘I feel’ rather than ‘You don’t’. Agree just one step that you are both going to take, that week, to improve on one priority.’

And if your partner refuses to work on the relationship? ‘If your partner does not want to engage, it’s a clear message that they are not committed to your relationship, so maybe it is time to separate,’ he says.



Toxic relationship vs abusive relationship

Remember, a toxic relationship is different to an abusive one. If you suspect your relationship is abusive, trust your instincts and walk away.

Some actions that constitute abuse include:

  • Doing things to distance you from your friends or family, such as unplug the phone line when you’re talking

  • Gaslighting you into believing you are the one with anger or control issues

  • Saying things to belittle you – for example: ‘You can’t do anything right’

  • Exhibiting controlling behaviours, like questioning where you are all the time

  • Threatening suicide or self harm to manipulate you

  • Interfering with your work life – for example, by humiliating you at your workplace

  • Intimidating you – for example, by not allowing you to leave the house during a fight

  • Controlling your finances – for example, preventing you from having your own bank account

  • Physical violence in any capacity

If you are experiencing emotional or physical abuse, or are concerned about someone who is, you can speak to someone at SafeLives or call the 24-hour Domestic Abuse helpline on 0808 2000 247.



Last updated: 06-10-2020

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