35 rules you should live by at the age of 35 (take note, Prince William)

Prince William is 35 today, and I’m not far behind him. That’s not the only similarity. We’re both fathers of two young children, both have significant duty of responsibility to our work and family, and are both enormously popular figures with the British public.

OK, maybe that last one is just Wills, but regardless, I have no doubt that he feels very much like I do approaching 35 – slightly alarmed that the youthful arrogance of his twenties is further and further away, while tumbling at a disturbing pace towards the big 4-0.

To help him along, here are 35 golden rules that all men should be living by at this age.

1. Admit that you will never feel like a proper grown-up

Let alone the King of England.

2. You can forget trying to use Snapchat

Just don’t even bother. You will never understand how it works. Stick to Facebook like every other saddo in their thirties.

3. Make up for all the agro you ever gave your parents

You’ll rely on them more now than you have since you were about 11. Either to do hours-upon-hours of free babysitting or to lend you a fat pile of cash for a mortgage deposit.

4. You need to plan ahead for your, well, head

Face it mate, you’ve been fighting a losing battle on top for several years. And your inability to face facts and chop it off is compromising those once boyish good looks. Get it shaved or decide on a self-imposed receding cutoff point.

5. Save your money

Not for the future, but because at this time in your life you'll have a stag do every other weekend, and each will cost you about £500.

6. Don’t think badly of mates who are getting prematurely fat and grey

You never know what they might be thinking about you when that day comes, if it hasn’t already.

7. You will be usurped as the hippest, coolest member of your family – deal with it

Some younger, much cooler sibling or cousin will nab that throne. But don’t worry – that’s the only throne of yours they’ll be getting.

8. You can either grow a beard or you can’t

If those patches haven’t filled out by 35, or you can still only manage a bum-fluff moustache, it’s never going to happen now.

9. It’s OK to be shocked when the new bloke at work tells you he’s only 25

Because the difference between being 25 and 35 never fails to surprise you.

10. Try not think about your own twenties too much

It’s not much fun remembering that you acted like a complete berk for the best part of a decade.  

11. Use any – and every – excuse to get out of that lads’ holiday

It might be alright for Prince William to swan off for ski weekends with his rugger pals, but the reality of a boys’ holiday for most blokes in their mid-thirties is that you’ll just feel homesick for your family. Then probably need another week off to get over the lack of sleep. And your kidneys will really hurt.

12. It’s time to try new (or should that be old?) fashions

The more conservative range of jumpers and trousers from Debenhams suddenly seem appropriate. Don’t feel bad. No non-celebrity man in his mid-thirties should be wearing baggy skate pants or skinny jeans.

13. Don’t be bitter about what other people have achieved by 35

And when I say don’t be bitter, I mean, don’t make it obvious, because you will definitely be bitter about what everyone else has achieved by the same age. Constantly. The swines.

14. If you've got kids, you feel way too young to be a parent

Blimey, Wills – father of two already?! – slow down, man, you’re just a whippersnapper.

15. If you haven’t got kids, you’re too old to start now

Don’t you know the only way to add true purpose to your life is to have children and never enjoy yourself ever again?

16. Keep up with the times and be a modern man

Even though you are spiritually stuck in the 1990s.

17. Always choose low-percentage lager

You’ve almost certainly got too much responsibility to deal with a 5-per-cent-proof headache tomorrow morning. You pretend you’re still a beer-guzzling legend all you want, but after 30 the hangovers transform into existential nightmares.

18. Sounding like your dad is a virtue

You’re probably about the age now that you remember your dad being when you were little. If you hear yourself reminiscing about dial-up internet or saying “I remember when DVDs first came out” then you know things really have come full circle.

19. You must grin and bear it at work

Especially if you’ve just realised everyone calling the shots is about 10-years-old and delights in telling you that you’re rubbish at what you do.

20. Don’t hold onto friends – they’ll inevitably disappear one-by-one

Because either they’re too busy raising little people to worry about you, or because you’re too busy raising little people to worry about them.

21. Which is just as well, because the few friends you have left are tedious

When did your conversations turn from football, bands, and drinking stories to career goals and house prices?

22. Exercise is no longer optional

Yes, that is the beginning of a beer gut you can see – and it’ll take the kind of discipline you’ve shrugged at for the last 35 years to shift it.

23. Though don’t be embarrassed if you get attached to it

If there’s one thing that will make you feel like a proper grown man, it’s the delicious curves of a proper man-bod.  

24. The measure of masculinity has changed

It’s not about how many pints you can sink anymore. It’s about how good you are at knocking up an artisan meal or how many kids you can juggle (not literally) at once.

25. Give up your rock n’ rolls dreams

You’re at least 15 years too old to be a proper rock star. Fronting some sort of pub covers band is probably more realistic now.

26. There’s nothing fun about New Year’s Eve

The only fun is being smug about staying in, getting to bed at about 12.05am, then being really judgmental at all the young people who look and feel awful the next day.

27. You will still be haunted by the same fears you were as a little boy

Bigger boys down the park, ghosts in the dark, the terrifying prospect of being alone forever… those fears really aren’t going away. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.

28. Weddings are now the most important social event on your calendar

And you’ve got to the age where your friends and posh sister in-law will try some marital one-upmanship by making theirs bigger, better, and more headline-grabbing than yours was.

29. Basic maths is not your friend

Just 15 years ago you were 20. But in just 15 years’ time you’ll be 50. Nobody likes those kind of numbers.

30. But don’t complain to men over 40 that you’re “starting to feel old”

If you’re worried about your own hurtle towards middle-age at 35, think about how those poor sods must feel.

31. Everyone’s wrong about who the best James Bond is

Come on, everyone who’s 35 knows it’s Roger Moore – he’s was the only 007 on TV when we were growing up.

32. Pubs > bars every time

Why is the music in bars so loud? Why don’t they just serve normal drinks that everyone can understand? And can’t somebody turn the lights up a bit so I don’t have to squint?

33. You’re a man now, so express your feelings

Don’t worry that your old man can’t emote to save his life, because your generation is allowed to open up. Take it from Wills – grief, mental health, fatherhood – it’s good to talk.

34. Things you used to do in clubs that made you look cool now make you look an utter embarrassment

Including (though not limited to) dancing, doing shots, and trying to chat up 21-year-olds.

35. Stop thinking that you’re on the cultural cutting edge

You used to have your finger on the pulse, sure. But all of your favourite albums, movies, and comedy shows were made about 20 years ago. In other words, all your cultural references are way out of date – and now you can’t understand why all the young trendsetters seem to think Space Jam is an undisputed classic.