The 2018 heatwave mid-term survival guide
Call that a heatwave? The grass may be jaundice yellow, you haven’t worn trousers for a month and you risk a £1,000 fine for running a bath (cold, naturally). But according to forecasters this is the week when things really start to heat up.
At 9am on Monday the Met Office issued an ‘amber heatwave action alert’ – the meteorological equivalent of Defcon 2 - meaning temperatures are predicted to hit 30 degrees during the day, and 15 degrees at night, for at least two consecutive days.
Britain could see its hottest day of the year so far on Wednesday, beating the 33C (91.4F) recorded at Porthmadog in North Wales on June 28. Looking further ahead there is a 90 per cent probability of heatwave conditions in parts of England, mainly in the south and east, until 9am on Friday.
As the mercury continues to rise the precautions most have adopted – ice cream for lunch/white wine for supper – is no longer going to be enough. Consider this your mid-term heatwave survival guide.
Best places to keep cool?
In order to truly cool down you need to engage your inner troglobiont (cave dweller) and think subterranean. Although most emphatically NOT the tube. You will, no doubt, have already realised during the last two blazing months that public transport is no longer your friend.
Instead cinemas are a vital tool: look to maximize your time in the dark by seeking out all day horrorthons where the toll of watching half a dozen Night on Elm Streets is more than outweighed by a few hours eating Minstrels in the blissful cool.
How to sleep?
Naked, obviously, and as far away from anyone you normally share a bed with as possible. Extreme weather befits extreme behaviour so expect if you roll too close to a partner’s pillow to be shoved hard off the bed. Actually, sleeping on the floor is recommended by those in the know to avoid warm air currents.
Working day?
Obviously in a heat wave nobody really expects you to work. See Britain’s parliamentarians currently plotting their longest ever summer recess. The flipside, however, is the office is probably far cooler than your house. Hunker down by the nearest air conditioning unit and pass the day researching paddling pools until things turn clement enough to walk outside.
How to protect garden animals?
Pity the poor creatures sweltering in your garden without so much as a choc ice to keep them going. For birds fill a large bowl or any container with water to create a makeshift bath. Also make sure you keep feeders topped up as the parched earth makes it harder to dig for worms and slugs. For frogs and other amphibians make sure pond levels do not sink too low and also keep gardens as wild as possible. Don't bother watering the lawn. It's finished.
What to say to your neighbours?
You probably will have never spent so long in such close proximity to your neighbours than over the past month. Most lines of polite conversation will have been used up within the first two days of the heatwave and now relations will have curdled into low level hostility at their music taste and shrieking children.
With you both needing to occupy your respective gardens for at least the next few weeks keep things civil by restricting conversation to solely about the weather. Whatever you do don’t invite them over for a sundowner lest the pent up rage spill over after a couple of strong G&Ts.
What to wear?
Women stick to prints and loose cotton; men by this heatwave juncture you will hopefully have grown out of the absurd habit of wearing loafers with no socks. Perhaps not? Remember even as the weather continues to break all previous records one fact remains clear and constant: it is never, ever, acceptable to wear shorts to work.
