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14 gifts every woman REALLY wants for Christmas. (Husbands, take note)

The Midults' Christmas list - a_namenko
The Midults' Christmas list - a_namenko

Dear Father Christmas. We haven’t been paragons this year, but we haven’t been fiends either. Except for when Mercury was in retrograde or the anxiety got really acid or the hormones concertina’d up on us.

And we know you understand. And so we humbly ask you and your elves to go to work on the following. Obviously we aren’t expecting you to blitz the whole list, so let’s just start with…

1. A bag of healthy coping mechanisms

We are not fussed about that Céline bag or those Miu Miu velvet sandals (or only a little bit fussed); what we would really like is some appropriate reactions to the vagaries of the day. To feel a little less trapped in an emotional pinball machine. Er, are you looking at us funny?

2. Comfortable shoes that don’t look comfortable

So we don’t look/feel/behave like Nurse Ratched (remember her – One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, anyone?). So we don’t squeak down life’s corridors looking like we might lobotomise anyone who annoys us. Although…

3. Higher tolerance for caffeine

It would be nice not to feel that strange back-of-the-eyeball tightening after just three triple-shot soya-milk lattes. We just want all of the awake with none of the heart attack, please.

4. A new list

Enough of this monkey business. This December, we are declaring a list amnesty. A clean slate. No recriminations. No regrets. Throw the old lists away. They are no longer working documents. Start again. Dare to hope.

5. To be better at saying no

Or even just, ‘I am terribly sorry I don’t think I will be able to do that because [inserts brilliant excuse that doesn’t sound like an excuse].’ 

6. Some spontaneity

Yes, routine is comforting. Yes, we like our sofa best (even with the stabby feathers poking into our necks). But what about some fly-by-the-seat-of-our-pants woo-hoo? Just once or twice a year. With planning. 

7. Cashflow

A little breathing space would be fine. Not diamonds or private planes. But maybe a side return and some Isabel Marant Etoile. Plus new knickers. Also winter sun. And taxis. Many, many taxis.

8. To have not slept with the IT guy

Please can you just wipe that off our naughty list? It was 15 years ago and our self-esteem was not throbbing with good health at the time. So, if we agree that it didn’t happen, then it didn’t happen, right? Can we agree on that?

9. A reasonable threshold  for emotional pain

Could we just be comfortably numb for a while? Perhaps you could inject us with something that holds back the shadows so, y’know, we might live in the metaphorical sun for more than 15 minutes…

10. An ability to ride those minor inconveniences without losing our shit

Like when Sky crashes: ‘Oh God, not tonight! Why now? Why me?’ Or when spellcheck autocorrects to ‘ducking’. Or when it rains on a blow dry. Ducking hell. 

11. A rage cupboard

We are so resigned to our own violent deaths (‘What’s that noise? Oh, whatevs – too tired to care’) that we don’t need a panic room... but a rage cupboard would be nice. With hammers. And those swinging medieval things with spikes. [Googles what they are called.] Flails.

12. A tattoo

Or, at least, a decision about the tattoo. And a commitment as to the positioning of the tattoo. Also what colour? And can you make it not hurt? Or go scabby and start weeping? But we know we want a tattoo of something somewhere. Soon. 

13. A better memory

Because it’s getting a bit embarrassing to start a really impressive sentence, replete with many subordinate clauses and a rather unique point of view and then… Sorry, what was I saying?

14. Eight hours’ sleep

Joking! You’re good, but you’re not God.  

themidult.com

The Midults: Funniest columns
The Midults: Funniest columns