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13 terrible questions you should never ask a midlifer

The Midults column - This content is subject to copyright.
The Midults column - This content is subject to copyright.

Questions, in and of themselves, are lovely things. Questions we ask ourselves, others, friends, lovers, strangers, the universe. If we have lost our curiosity, we have lost our appetite. But not all questions are equal. Some questions are noble: intelligent, revealing, telling.

Other questions are crunchy: tricky, flirty, slightly stingy. And then there are the convivial ones: playful, leading, generous.  But there exists a whole species of questions that people have been asking for generations and are never, ever good.

They make the asker look cloddish and the askee feel slightly sad. This might smart a little because we are all guilty. But read on and think again...

  1. When did you last have it (that thing you’ve lost)? I don’t know. When did you last ask something so annoying? 

  2.  How’s your love life? Oh, I’m so glad you asked. Because a) of course it’s your business, b) obvs you have my best interests at heart and are not remotely riveted by gossip and, c) isn’t now the moment you tell me I’d better hurry up and have a baby because otherwise I’ll have devilled old eggs? Go on, friend, you know you want to. All said with love. Of course.

  3. I mean, what were you thinking? I was thinking it was a good idea. At the time. Now I am thinking that you are not being helpful and that I may cry. That’ll learn you. 

  4. Are you going to eat that? Well not now because you clearly want it and even that question makes me feel fat. What if I was just pausing to savour it/waiting to see if I can fit it in? Back off, sister.

  5.  Does this feel good? It kind of did. But now it kind of doesn’t. Oh well. 

  6. What’s going on with you? Now this is the ultimate conversation stopper. So lazy. Should only ever be asked at dull work conferences and, even then, it’s pretty shoddy stuff. 

  7. Why are you still single? Still single. It’s the ‘still’, isn’t it? That’s the killer. Not temporarily single. Not momentarily single. But still single. The problem waiting to be solved. Do I sound angry? That must be why I am STILL single. 

  8. What are you working on right now? Right now? Like, absolutely right now? I’m working on edging away from the person who asks awful, open-ended questions like this? I’m working on this bottle of vodka to block out that noise. That droning noise. Your voice. 

  9. What have you achieved today? Hmmm. Well I like you just a little less and I wasn’t crazy about you before you asked this question. 

  10. How’s the diet going? Why don’t you tell me what you see and what you think? And then we can wrestle.

  11. Are you ready yet? The adult equivalent of ‘Are we nearly there?’ Of course I am not ready, otherwise I would be standing in front of you, ready. And all this Spanish inquisition is slowing me down. In fact I am thinking of starting again. Because, annoying. 

  12. What do you hope to get out of this? Always a heart-sinker, whether asked by a personal trainer, a bank manager, a therapist or a human-resources maniac (sorry but they so, so often are). Oh, give me a break. Like you don’t know. Clearly I’m lardy/broke/mad/overlooked. But right now I most fervently hope to get away from you asap.

  13. Did you not guess the ending?  Did you just call me stupid?  I’m Absolutely Fine!

A Manual for Imperfect Women, by the Midults,  is out now (Cassell, £16.99); themidult.com