People Who Went "No Contact" With A Family Member Are Getting Brutally Honest About What It Took To Mend The Relationship
This post contains a brief mention of addiction, rape, and domestic abuse.
Recently, I learned that about one in four people are estranged from a relative, according to a 2019 Pillemer survey, and it made me wonder what it takes to mend that kind of relationship.
Freeform / Via giphy.com
So, I asked members of the BuzzFeed Community: If you were previously estranged from family and have since mended the relationship, what happened?
TLC / Via giphy.com
Here's what they said.
Note: Some responses are sourced from this Reddit thread, and have been edited for clarity.
1."Getting clean. I was an addict for almost half of my life. When I finally got serious about getting clean, I did some major work on accountability and owning my actions."
"It didn’t happen overnight, but my family realized that I can be trusted again. It’s an amazing feeling to see my loved one’s eyes light up when they see me instead of holding their collective breaths, wondering what version of me they were going to get in that interaction. It doesn’t hurt to love me anymore, and I’m very proud of that."
2."This happened with my mom and I. Things got very bad between us when my dad left (they had an extremely unhealthy marriage, and their split was a long time coming). She took a lot of her anger and hurt out on me, in large part because my dad and I are very similar in both appearance and personality."
"I didn't like cutting her out while she was clearly hurting after her marriage fell apart, but I also knew I deserved to be treated better, so I did what I felt I had to to protect myself.
After a few years, we did one session of family counseling together. She had invited me to her wedding to meet her new partner/now-husband, but I still wasn't sure if I was ready to welcome her back into my life (ironically, I went to the therapy session at the request of my dad, who wanted us to mend things). I did feel like she was finally in a healthier headspace, but ultimately decided not to go to the wedding, as I still wasn't ready to forgive her.
Fast-forward a bit, and I'm sure this will sound kind of shitty/materialistic on my part, but she reached out to offer me her old car. She made it clear that there were no strings; I didn't have to let her back in if I wasn't ready, and she wanted us to have it as we had a young child now (by this point, she had missed my entire pregnancy and the first year of my son's life). After that I began letting her in a little bit more, in baby steps, and together we both worked on our communication and were equally invested in making our relationship a healthier one. Unfortunately, we still aren't where we once were (it's been about six years since we've been back in contact), but I feel the foundation we have is stronger, so I'm happy with where we are and how far we've come."
3."I had a deadbeat dad. Was kind of around for a bit, then just stopped. And eventually, I stopped even caring."
"In my early 20s, his mom died, and they wanted me to be a pallbearer. I agreed. Me and my dad had a relationship for a while. After a couple of years, he again made it very clear how low of a priority I was for him. I don't regret letting him back in, though. Because I think I may have always wondered if I should've reached out to him, but he proved that he didn't change from my childhood. As they say, when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. Now, we will exchange pleasantries on holidays, but that is about it."
4."I'd been estranged from my parents about 10 years when I found my father's obituary online."
"I reconnected with my mother, carefully, not giving in to demands for my address. I felt like a good person for trying, but ultimately, I just got more upset with her, the enabling, the push for unearned intimacy, the utter lack of interest in who I am as a person as opposed to my role as a daughter. After six months, I went back to no contact but with a lighter heart. When she died, I was stunned but had no regrets for my choice."
—anonymous
5."My mother was extremely physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive. When I was 32 and going through a divorce, she told me it was my fault for not putting out and let me know my husband took his lunch hours at her house. Unbeknownst to anyone, he had tried to murder me, which kind of killed the romance."
"I don’t know what they did on his lunch hours, but that was the last straw. Years later, she had dementia and was dying. I flew across the country to see her. She became lucid for just a few moments and said, 'I’m sorry for whatever I did that made you angry.' I put my arm around her, told her it was OK, it didn’t matter anymore, and that I loved her. A few months later, she had a stroke and waited for me to come back out before she passed away. I played Barry Manilow’s 'Copacabana,' which caused her to tap her toe and put her fingers to her lips as if she were smoking. Very '70s. Other than that, her pretty blue eyes searched the ceiling. She left the Earth two days later."
6."I went to EMDR therapy. Seeing my brother again after years brought up past trauma he inflicted on me... Got therapy where, instead of seeing him as this giant fire-breathing dragon who always hurts me, I saw him as a tiny dragon I could easily squash with my feet."
"Held my boundaries strong with him. I now have enough confidence and self-empowerment in myself and my boundaries that we even spent Christmas together last year! While I will never fully trust him, I choose to love him, knowing I will always keep myself safe. I’m in my late 60s. Don’t wait to get therapy!"
—anonymous
7."I lost my mom a few years ago, and we had one of the worst mother-son relationships you can imagine. She was bipolar, she starved me at times, and she convinced police officers that I was terrorizing her household (because I yelled at her for selling our food stamps and not taking care of my younger siblings). I had to steal food to feed them at times."
"Over my teenage years, I spent a total of 18 months in juvenile detention based on lies she told in juvenile court. Later in life, we reconciled to some degree, and I did have a relationship with her before she passed.
After she passed, I started really thinking about the past and decided to talk to a therapist. Therapy helped me see how much of what she did was because she was mentally ill. It helped me separate the things she did that were her true spirit and the things she did that were her illness. None of us are perfect. Some of us are fucked up from day one. But you only get one mom. Whatever else she did in your life, at one point, she carried you in her womb and loved you more than anything in the world. I can't tell you what's best for you and YOUR mental health. I just know I wish I'd had more time with my mom and understood her better while she was here. I wish I'd been able to truly forgive her while she was here. I thought I had, but I really hadn't."
—anonymous
8."Long story, but my parents fell out hugely with my dad’s brother (my uncle) in the 1970s, although there was tension long before this. Unfortunately, it meant that I grew up very estranged from my cousin."
"My father died many years ago, but the feud between my mother and my uncle continued until they passed away within eight months of each other. Once the barriers had been removed, my cousin and I had an initially uneasy meetup at the funeral of my mother, but we rapidly found that we had so much in common outside of the family connection. I think it is just such a wonderful thing that out of sadness, we have found each other and realized that we are of the same stock!"
—anonymous
9."My mother had mental illness my entire childhood, and we had many periods of estrangement; however, my father always encouraged me to reconcile with her because it was not her fault that she was the way she was."
"When I had children, our whole relationship changed. She was a wonderful grandmother, and it really helped me to bond with her. Sadly, she passed away unexpectedly, but I’m forever grateful we got to a better place."
—anonymous
10."I had finally gotten the relationship with my mama I’d always wanted and deserved three years before she died. Mama was a product of her environment, which used corporal punishment as the first reaction to any kind of punishment that was much more severe than simple spankings."
"She busted my lip, cracked ribs, open-handed slapping; you name it. Each and every time, her 'apology' would be a new wardrobe, a gift of something popular, or the like. It was a vicious cycle of abuse handed down by each generation.
When my mama had four heart attacks within a two-week period, I went to stay with her for two months because I truly thought she was going to die. I wanted her to acknowledge and forgive herself for all the pain she caused because it wasn’t her fault. She was only doing what she knew. It was the most painful and eye-opening experience I had ever been through, but it brought us a new relationship of peace, love, forgiveness, and understanding. When she died three years later, she and I were at peace and loved each other despite the rocky path we’d traveled. I’d take those 40+ years of hell all over again to have those three years with her. I miss her every day."
11."My oldest sister was always something of the black sheep of the family, always getting into it with my parents. We had a great relationship my whole life."
"At some point, her therapist did age regression, or hidden memories, or some shit that indicated that she had been molested by my father. I can’t begin to tell you how wrong and impossible that even is. He recommended that she cut off contact with my parents until my father apologized for these alleged transgressions. My father died two years later, and I have not spoken to her that entire time. It broke his heart, and I’m the one who called her to tell her he died.
My oldest sister died a couple of years ago, having not spoken to my other sister in nearly 40 years. She did reconcile with our mother after our dad passed, but my mom died just a few months later, still broken up about the two-year loss of her daughter. I occasionally meet a person who is estranged from their parents or other family, and I tell them about my family and ask if they have it in their heart to just go back, bury the hatchet, and love their family. I know it’s not always a possibility, but it just tears me up to see that happen in a family."
12."I was estranged from both of my parents. I didn’t speak to my dad for about three years."
"We got back into contact; we went through family counseling, and things have improved to some degree. I mean, I would never in a thousand years ever go back to living under his roof, but I got my chance to tell him my side, and he did listen and take it on board and apologized WITHOUT becoming defensive, so I count that as a win. My mum, on the other hand, still believes that 11-year-old me is to blame for her shitty parenting."
13.And finally, "My biological father cheated on my mother after 11 years of marriage and then cheated on his second wife after 11 years of marriage. He never paid child support for me and my sister and racked up a huge secret credit card debt that my mother was 50% on the hook for."
"Long story short, I cut ties once I was old enough to understand this. Now I have two kids myself, and I couldn't imagine not being a part of their lives, so I gave him a chance. Just wanted him to show up from time to time. No gifts. Lasted about a month until he went down to his Florida home. Never heard from him for months. I cut ties for good. I don't regret doing it because now I know I made the right decision."
Now, I'm curious about the opposite. If you're estranged from a family member and don't regret your choice, what has your experience been like? If you're comfortable, share in the comments or remain anonymous via this Google form.
The National Alliance on Mental Illness helpline is 1-800-950-6264 (NAMI) and provides information and referral services; GoodTherapy.org is an association of mental health professionals from more than 25 countries who support efforts to reduce harm in therapy.
If you are concerned that a child is experiencing or may be in danger of abuse, you can call or text the National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-422-4453(4.A.CHILD); service can be provided in over 140 languages.
If you or someone you know has experienced sexual assault, you can call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673), which routes the caller to their nearest sexual assault service provider. You can also search for your local center here.
