The Coronavirus pandemic has opened up a whole new world for our love lives, whether it's going on video dates, socially distanced rendezvous, Skype sex, or dusting off our sexting and nude-taking skills. And while some people may be taking this in their stride, don't be put off if you're finding lockdown dating painfully cringe. The secret is: everyone else probs is too. So if you're freaking out, console yourself with the silly and awkward quarantine dating woes of other people. You're very welcome.
"I got caught having FaceTime sex"
"I'd sent my ex-boyfriend (who I’m still seeing) a couple of nudes earlier in the night. However, by the time he replied at 11pm (with videos of him hard, of course) I was already with my hallmates drinking in one of their rooms. It was getting pretty rowdy so I snuck out to the bathroom to have FaceTime sex with him.
"I ended up taking so long that all my hallmates came barging into the bathroom to check if I was OK, thinking I was vomiting or something. Imagine their faces as they saw me, half of my clothes off, mid-way through FaceTime sex with my ex. At least I wasn’t sick." - Sarah*, 22.
"I told him all about my imaginary future children"
"I had a video date with a guy I’ve been talking to on Hinge since April. On our second FaceTime date, I went through a really bad case of word vomit: how I’d raise my children, what kind of schools I’d want them to go, etc. etc., bearing in mind that I'm only 21 and he's 23. I find that with video dates there are no physical cues or interruptions to fill the empty space, so at 2:30am when I'm really tired I just talk non-stop.
"We'd never met each other and it was only our second video date, so after minutes of me talking continuously about my non-existent children, I could tell he was getting uncomfortable - but for some reason I kept going. Eventually, he cut the conversation short and ended the call because he was 'tired' and then didn't speak to me for the three days afterwards. I felt embarrassed about oversharing but, hey, at least he didn't ghost me." - Fara, 21.
"I called his penis a 'wee wee'"
"I'd watched the new Kimmy Schmidt film on Netflix and in it she calls a penis a 'wee wee' or a 'pee pee' or something like that. She was saying it throughout the film so it was stuck in my head all day. Later that night, I was talking to a guy on the phone and I ended up calling his dick a 'wee wee'. I was literally like, 'yeah, your wee wee...' He was so confused and safe to say he did NOT find it sexy. So so embarrassing." - Amber*, 22.
"I sent my nudes to my flatmate"
"I'd spent ages perfecting the perfect nude video to send to somebody I was speaking to - lighting, pose, everything. When I hit send, I realised I'd actually sent it to my flatmate instead. Thankfully, she's not staying with me during lockdown or it might have been an awkward walk to the kitchen." - Scarlett*, 23.
"I heard his new girlfriend shading me"
"I've basically quit all dating now but I did get invited to my ex boyfriend’s Zoom birthday party organised by his new girlfriend, which was a bit horrendous. I made my excuses to leave early and shut my camera off but before I’d actually left the chat his new girlfriend said, 'well thank God SHE'S gone'. Oops. - Emma*, 25.
"I forgot how to have social interaction"
"Ahead of a socially distanced park date with someone I met on Hinge, the guy called me to find out where I was. I answered and said, 'Hello, this is Jackie from Pepsi' in my work voice because, well, I haven't had social interaction with a human man in over three months. I also ended up forgetting how directions work as it's been so long since I've been in the outside world. Then, he didn't get any of my TikTok jokes, so I think the awkward start accurately predicted how the rest of the date was about to go." - Jackie, 26.
"He told me all about his exes over Zoom"
"On a Hinge Zoom date, the guy started telling me about all of his exes and the time this girl he had fancied 10 years previously had reunited with him years later and propositioned to peg him. I was like, that's all fine but why do you want to tell me this now?" - Eva*, 24.
"I accidentally reunited with my ex on a video call"
"When I broke up with my ex-boyfriend last year, we agreed on having no more contact. Then, last month, one of our mutual friends invited me to her Zoom birthday party. When I logged on, I found out my ex was running the quiz so I had to sit through the most awkward two hours of listening to him, after not speaking for almost a year. I tried to join in with the conversation as much as possible without directly talking to him, but whenever it got too awkward I just pretended I had technical difficulties and that my WiFi was breaking up." - Isabelle*, 25.
"I've ended up flirting with my online tutor"
"Last week (after a few wines) I decided to book online Italian conversation classes, so I shamelessly picked a really fit tutor. In our first lesson we found out that we live very close to each other, and from there the conversation turned super flirty (in Italian, of course). I want to take the plunge and ask him on a socially distanced walk but don't know how to, so for now it looks like I'll just be keeping up the light flirtation my Italian skills can manage." - Sofia, 24.
"I got naked on Zoom"
"I got really drunk and ended up doing pushups completely naked in a Zoom party. Not a date but it may as well have been after what everyone saw." - Luke*, 25.
"I've taken to matchmaking my friends instead of dating"
"I refuse to do video calls with anyone, so while I've been off dating in lockdown I have taken to playing matchmaker. My friend wanted to hire a van so I recommended my out-of-work housemate for the job. I showed him pictures of her beforehand and he was in love, and sure enough they hit it off and have been practically joined at the hip ever since. there is definitely not much social distancing going on there, though... and my friend still doesn't know I planned to set them up." - Kendall*, 26.
*Names have been changed.
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