The 10 temper tantrums every mother dreads
There comes a time for us all when our only true mode of self-expression involves hurling ourselves to the ground, pounding the floor with fists, heels and head, and howling like a deranged walrus. It’s normal, and perfectly reasonable behaviour when faced with outrageous requests to put away our Lego or share our raisins.
Most of us outgrow such histrionics some time in early childhood, although certain situations in adult life can push us close to edge (being told to ‘dial six if you wish to hear these options again’; your computer detecting a problem and shutting itself down just before you’ve completed your Ocado shop.)
Yet teachers are now being warned that children who throw temper tantrums in class may be being abused or neglected at home. They should, according to new guidance from The National Institute for Health and Care Excellence, flag up such outbursts to child protection staff, just in case.
All of which might leave the average parent worrying whether their own tantrum-inclined child is somehow unhinged, and whether social services are about to come knocking. Average parent, no: your child is not unhinged. (Well, maybe a bit.) If their tantrums resemble any or all of the following, rest assured that they - and you - are not alone.
1. The mealtime tantrum
There they were, happily drawing on the sitting room wall with a black marker pen, when suddenly you have rudely summoned them to the table to eat a plate of pasta doused in a horrid sauce full of vegetables. There is no way they are eating that. You should have known they wanted chocolate spread and ice-cream for dinner. Is this pasta sauce some kind of sick joke? Since you won’t listen to reason and fetch the Nutella immediately, there’s only one thing for it, and the neighbours are going to know about it. Fetch the earplugs, lock up the china and reconcile yourself to eating the pasta sauce yourself for dinner later.
2. The bedtime tantrum
It can’t possibly be bedtime yet. It’s only 9pm and they’ve only watched seven episodes of Paw Patrol today. There’s definitely time for one more. Isn’t there? No? What is this, some kind of prison camp? Of course they’re not tired, they’ve never felt less tired in their life. All their friends are allowed to watch TV until midnight. (You’ve checked, and this is only true of one of their friends, and you’ve always felt that kid was heading for trouble.) Confiscate the remote control, or tell them they’re welcome to stay up if they want to watch a French art-house film with you, with subtitles).
3. The supermarket tantrum
They’ve been very patient with you. They have followed you around Tesco for more than half an hour and waited quietly while you spent 10 minutes deliberating over different types of groundnut oil. You knew something was brewing, so you’re not surprised when your rejection of their polite request to be allowed to open the Frosties there and then and start eating them from the packet is met by an almighty storm. Frosties fly everywhere, the store guard asks you to leave and you can’t recall a time you were more embarrassed, apart from when your child did the same thing but in Waitrose.
4. In front of other parents/relatives
You like your children to put on a good show for other parents and members of your extended family. It demonstrates how impeccable are your parenting skills when little Theodore says please and thank you and doesn’t repeat all the swearwords you have let slip in front of him. But sometimes Theodore has other ideas. Sometimes he senses that the surest way to get what he wants is to launch into a screaming fit when others are around. ‘Shush, darling,’ you smile weakly. ‘Auntie Sarah doesn’t want to see you being naughty.’ Correction: Auntie Sarah doesn’t want to see you at all, ever again.
5. Shoe shopping
They don’t want ugly shoes that fit them properly. They want trainers with sparkles and flashing lights and possibly some kind of little wheel on the sole. What do you mean those aren’t ‘proper’ shoes? They are the only shoes worth wearing, and your insistence on something more sensible requires nothing less than a hurricane force response.
6. The 100-year tantrum
It’s been going on for so long, no-one can remember why or even when it started. It might have been this morning, when you said they couldn’t have chocolate spread and ice-cream for breakfast. Or later, when you tried to put their sensible shoes on them. And you can be sure as hell no-one knows how to end this tantrum, least of all the child, for whom it has become a point of principle not to answer you with anything other than howls of anguish.
7. The tantrum about nothing
A special favourite of the toddler-aged child. One minute you’re having a good day: you both enjoyed soft play and very little of his lunch got thrown on the floor. The next, he’s beside himself with rage, screaming so hard you’re afraid he’ll break his voice box. (You Google whether this is possible once you’ve given up trying to talk him down.) You can’t possibly reason with him - he’s a toddler. On the upside, it’ll be over within the hour and he’ll have moved on to a new grievance.
8. The displacement tantrum
They’re purporting to be upset because they wanted to wear their raincoat and you put them in their normal coat because, well, it wasn’t raining. But this tantrum is not about a raincoat really. It is born of a complex cocktail of emotions caused by a new sibling/childminder/school. The simplest way for them to express their angst is by displacing it on to the raincoat. You secretly vow to throw out the raincoat later in the vain hope of preventing a repeat performance.
9. The transport tantrum
This one’s bad because there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it if your child is tantrumming on the bus/train/plane. You – and all the other passengers – are trapped with the soundtrack of wailing and gnashing emanating from your little cherub. ‘If you don’t stop this immediately there’ll be no Paw Patrol later,’ you hiss desperately, the effect of which is to set them wailing all the louder.
10. The one when you’re not there
‘Emilie was a bit upset tonight,’ says the babysitter. This is code for: ‘Emilie is the most god-awful child I have ever encountered. She bit me and then threw my shoes out of the window. Unless you triple my money, I will not be looking after Emilie ever again.’
Are you raising a spoiled brat?
